Flight, Fight, Freeze… Nap?

When Stress Knocks You Out Instead of Firing You Up

We’ve all heard of the three F’s: flight, fight, or freeze. But have you ever heard of… nap?

• Flight can be walking away, shutting the laptop, or suddenly needing to “go do something.”

• Fight looks like raised voices, defensiveness, pacing, snapping.

• Freeze is going still. Staring. Mind blank. Body heavy.

• Nap (aka dorsal vagal shutdown) is when your system says “nope” — and powers down completely.

Yep. Nap. As in, you’re in the middle of something stressful, an argument, a hard conversation, a wave of overwhelm, and instead of yelling, running, or freezing, your body just wants to sleep.

I’ve seen it often. I live with it (despite my somatic soapbox in the corner). My partner can literally fall asleep mid-conversation. Not because he doesn’t care. Not because he’s tuning me out. But because his body decides: This is too much. And suddenly, the lights go out.

I used to call it “selective narcolepsy,” half joking, half confused. But honestly? There’s nothing funny about how hurtful and frustrating it can feel when you’re the one left on the other side.

What’s Happening in the Body During Shutdown

Your nervous system has a whole ladder of survival modes. It moves up or down that ladder depending on how safe, or unsafe, it feels.

If fight or flight aren’t available or feel too risky, your system can drop into a third state: shutdown. Unlike the classic “deer in headlights” freeze, shutdown doesn’t look tense, it looks like exhaustion.

In dorsal vagal shutdown, your body says: This is too much. We need to conserve energy. We need to disappear. So it powers down.

Biological shifts include:

• Lowered heart rate

• Decreased blood pressure

• Reduced muscle tone (heaviness or limpness)

• Flattened facial expression

• Low energy or dissociation

• Withdrawal from social connection

• Extreme fatigue or sudden sleepiness

• Loss of motivation or difficulty finding words/emotions

This isn’t laziness or weakness. It’s your body protecting itself, the same way a possum plays dead or a turtle pulls into its shell.

When It’s Misunderstood

Shutdown can look like disinterest, emotional withdrawal, or even depression. That’s why it’s often misread, especially in relationships or parenting. One person is overwhelmed and shutting down to survive; the other feels abandoned or rejected, and reacts with anger, panic, or their own trauma response.

The first time I saw my husband shut down mid-conversation, it felt like emotional ghosting.

I thought: What’s wrong with him? Or worse: What’s wrong with me, that he can check out while I’m still being vulnerable?

It was invalidating. It triggered my own shutdown. Resentment followed.

But over time, I learned: it’s not cruelty. It’s his nervous system hitting the wall. My body can’t always tell the difference in the moment, but I can choose to ground myself instead of spinning a story that he’s choosing to leave me emotionally.

We still fumble. That’s the truth of emotional proximity, it’s messy. But awareness helps us repair.

And it’s not just partners who do this. I’ve seen shutdown in parenting too, both in myself and in other moms.

When It Shows Up in Parenting

I remember rocking in the kitchen while my newborn cried. My body felt heavy in a way no nap could fix. Everyone said, “Of course you’re tired, you’re a new mom.”

They weren’t wrong, but they weren’t completely right either.

Looking back, I realize my body wasn’t just tired, it was overwhelmed. Deeply, physiologically overwhelmed. And no one noticed.

We’ve normalized exhaustion in new motherhood as “just tired,” when it can actually be a body stuck in survival mode. When that gets overlooked, postpartum distress can quietly deepen.

If you’re caring for a new mom, or you are one, pause before brushing it off. Ask:
“Can I take something off your hands? The baby, the laundry, something you’re carrying alone?”

Real support isn’t about offering what you think she needs. It’s about meeting her where she is, and giving her what she’s ready to receive.

Gentle Ways Back from Shutdown

When your body hits the brakes, the goal isn’t to “snap out of it.” You have to coax it back, let it know you’re safe.

Grounding Techniques

• 5-4-3-2-1: Name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.

• Feet on the floor: Press your heels down, feel the ground holding you.

• Object anchoring: Hold a textured item (a mug, a blanket) and describe it to yourself.

Vagus Nerve Support

• Humming or chanting: Calms your system; holding your baby while humming soothes both of you.

• Cold water splash or holding an ice cube: Wakes the body gently.

• Breathing with a longer exhale: Inhale 4, exhale 6–8 to cue safety.

• Gentle neck stretch: Slowly look left and right, reminding your body it’s safe to move.

Rest Isn’t Laziness — It’s Medicine

After betrayal, burnout, heartbreak, or too many days of pushing through, rest isn’t a luxury. It’s essential.

Give yourself permission to:

• Nap without guilt

• Sit in the sun, even if the laundry’s not done

• Rest your eyes for five minutes while the baby is safe

• Step away and breathe, even if it feels “selfish”

Rest doesn’t mean giving up, it means recognizing that your body is worthy of care.

Final Thoughts

I used to think going numb, feeling far away, or wanting to sleep through the hard parts meant something was wrong with me. That I was weak. Disconnected.

But I’ve learned it’s just how my body and so many others around me were surviving when life felt like too much.

The shift came when I stopped trying to control every emotion and started listening to what my body was telling me: I need help. I need rest.

At first, slowing down felt strange. Soft. Almost embarrassing. But in those pauses, I found my way out of the trigger vortex and back into my life.

The more I honored my needs, energy, and limits, the more I realized: I wasn’t just surviving anymore. I was becoming the safest adult in the room, the one I had always needed.

And if you’ve felt this too, maybe you can give yourself the same permission. You don’t always have to fight harder. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is slow down… and breathe.

Let’s Practice Safety — Together

One of my favorite parts of working with women is helping them feel safe in their own bodies again, noticing the moments that spark a reaction, and finding gentle ways to steady themselves right there in the middle of it.

Chaos will come. Triggers will happen. But they don’t have to run the show. You can meet them with curiosity instead of fear, and remember who you are outside of survival.

If you’re curious what that might look like for you, let’s talk, or maybe let’s sit in rest.

👉 Book your free Clarity Call here — one gentle step can lead to real change.

You deserve to come home to yourself.
Jennifer

🌊 www.caughtinawave.ca