When Her Win Feels Like Your Loss
Why another woman’s success shouldn’t feel like your failure, and what it might be telling you about your own unmet needs
Have you ever felt jealous of another woman’s joy… and then hated yourself for it?
Not because she did anything wrong, but because she dared to do something you haven’t let yourself want.
You’re not a bad person for feeling it.
But you do deserve to understand it.
The Day Jealousy Surprised Me
Some years ago, a casual friend announced she had self-published a book. She’d been working on it quietly, long nights, countless edits, pouring herself into every page.
Her post shared her journey from concept to completion. She was proud.
And I… didn’t feel happy for her.
She had done nothing wrong. But as I stared at her post, my brain went into overdrive, suddenly listing every flaw I knew about her.
“How dare she write a novel?”
“Who does she think she is?”
I hovered over the Like button for what felt like forever, paralyzed by a petty kind of protest I didn’t want to admit was mine.
The First Shift
Eventually, after what I can only describe as an adult temper tantrum, a question surfaced:
Would it really be so hard to show up for her, even if I didn’t feel like it in that moment?
This was her moment. Her joy.
It cost me nothing to give the smallest form of support, a little yellow thumbs-up.
So I did.
Digging Deeper
But it didn’t stop there. I pushed myself to dig deeper:
Why was that my first reaction?
Why did I so often feel that pang of resentment when someone else accomplished something incredible?
The truth was simple, I had dreams too.
And at that point in my life, I wasn’t living them.
I wasn’t proud of much. I felt stuck. Unseen. Small.
And the real problem wasn’t her.
It was me.
Envy as a Signal, Not a Shame
I wish I could say that realization changed everything overnight.
It didn’t.
Even now, I still feel that familiar tug sometimes, the temptation to turn away, roll my eyes, or dismiss someone else’s shine.
A flare from the parts of me still longing for more.
It reminds me I still matter.
It tells me my desires haven’t gone away.
That I still want more, and I’m allowed to want more.
Her success didn’t hurt me.
My disconnection from my own did.
The Choice You Always Have
That’s the truth behind envy: it’s not shameful, it’s a signal.
You don’t have to pretend you’re overjoyed.
But you also don’t have to stay bitter.
You can choose kindness.
You can honor her win and still hold space for your own.
Because every time you fix another woman’s crown, you remind yourself you still have one too.
And someday, when your moment comes, you’ll be so glad you did.
To Jenna
I didn’t envy your joy because you did anything wrong.
I envied it because it reminded me how long I’d gone without chasing my own.
Your win wasn’t the problem, it just woke up something in me I’d tried to silence.
Today, I see you. I celebrate you.
And I thank you, not just for writing your story, but for becoming part of mine.
You deserve to come home to yourself.
Jennifer
🌊 www.caughtinawave.ca
