Why I Don’t Recommend Couples Therapy Right After Betrayal
And what to do instead, when you’re reeling from the shock of it all.
If you’ve recently uncovered a betrayal, infidelity, secrecy, a hidden double life, it can feel like the ground’s disappeared beneath your feet. Your heart is shattered, your nervous system is in overdrive, and all you want is to feel safe again. It's human to reach for the familiar, to think, “We need to fix this. Together.”
So naturally, many betrayed partners turn to couples therapy. It seems like the logical next step.
But here's the truth, spoken gently and from lived experience:
Couples therapy right after discovery often causes more harm than good.
It Feels Like a Relationship Problem… But It’s Not
The most common question I hear from betrayed women is, “What did I do to cause this?” We’re conditioned to believe that betrayal reflects a relationship flaw, something lacking, something we could have done better.
But research, and the lived reality of so many women, tells a different story.
Infidelity is rarely about the betrayed partner. It’s usually rooted in the betrayer’s own emotional immaturity, shame, avoidance, and poor coping skills — not a failure in the relationship itself (Baucom et al., 2006).
When you rush into couples therapy, often what gets skipped over is the very real trauma you the betrayed partner is experiencing and you end up pushing yourself into “fixing” something you didn’t break.
The Risk of Too-Early Couples Therapy
Here’s what often happens when couples therapy starts too soon:
The betrayed partner begins trying to repair, appease, as if it’s her responsibility to hold the relationship together. She wonders, what if I had been “better,” “sexier,” or “less needy.” She may feel pressure to “do the work” to save the relationship even though she didn’t break it.
The partner who betrayed may not be emotionally ready to take full accountability. Without that readiness, therapy becomes a place of gaslighting, minimization, or blame-shifting — deepening trauma instead of healing it.
Research shows that when the unfaithful partner hasn’t done their own individual work, couples therapy often increases distress, especially for the betrayed partner (Baucom et al., 2006; Snyder, Gordon, & Baucom, 2004).
You might leave sessions feeling confused, invalidated, or even blamed, and that’s the last thing you need right now.
When the Time Is Right for Couples Work
I’m not anti-couples therapy. In fact, when both people have done their own work, when the betrayer can take full accountability without defensiveness and the betrayed partner is no longer trying to contort herself into someone more “acceptable” — couples work can be transformative.
Research on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) shows that when both partners bring self-awareness, accountability, and readiness to engage in the process, the outcomes are significantly improved. Studies report that approximately 70–75% of couples experience long-term improvement, and 68–71% achieve full recovery from distress when EFT is delivered by a trained clinician (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016; Johnson, 2004).
These outcomes are strongest when individual work precedes couples work, allowing each partner to take ownership of their emotional regulation, values, and relational behaviors (Bradley & Furrow, 2004).
But it’s not the starting point.
It’s the continuation of a journey that begins with you.
The Power of Individual Work — Especially for You
Healing from betrayal is not about rushing to restore the “we.” It’s about rediscovering the “you.”
And that’s where coaching, especially the kind of coaching I offer, comes in.
While therapy provides a safe space to process the trauma and its emotional fallout, coaching gently guides you forward. It helps you:
Reconnect with your voice, your values, and your truth
Understand how betrayal trauma affects your body, brain, and sense of safety
Set boundaries without guilt
Rebuild internal safety so your nervous system isn't constantly bracing for the next blow
Learn to choose yourself without apology
In my practice, we move at your pace. I won’t bypass the pain, but also won’t let it define you. Together, we create a space where you can ask the hard questions, grieve what was lost, and begin the slow, sacred work of rebuilding from the inside out.
Coaching doesn’t replace therapy, but alongside it, it becomes a powerful tool to reclaim your wholeness.
You Deserve to Heal — Fully, Not Just Functionally
If you’ve been betrayed, I want you to know this:
You are not broken. You are not to blame. And you are not alone.
With the right support, trauma-informed therapy and coaching that meets you where you are, you can move from survival to stability… and then to something even stronger. Not a return to who you were before, but a rise into who you’re becoming now.
You don’t have to rush.
You don’t have to fix what someone else broke.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., & Christensen, A. (2005). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Optimism in the face of betrayal. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144–150. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.73.1.144
Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2006). Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide. Guilford Press.
Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Baucom, D. H. (2004). A comprehensive approach to treating infidelity: The couple's treatment of affairs model. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 157–180. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01231.x
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.
Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12229
Bradley, B., & Furrow, J. (2004). Toward a mini-theory of the blamer softening event: Tracking the moment-by-moment process. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 233–246. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01237.x
You deserve to come home to yourself.
Jennifer
🌊 www.caughtinawave.ca
